Talking to children and young people about relationships, sex and sexuality

How and when to start talking about relationships, sex and sexuality

According to research, children and young people want to talk with their parents or carers about

relationships

, sex and sexuality.

We sometimes refer to these conversations as sex education, having ’the talk’, or talking about the ‘birds and the bees’. But it is much more than that. Having open and honest discussions where young people can receive accurate information about bodies, relationships, sex and sexuality helps them make safer choices in adulthood.

Many adults are unsure how to start, or may feel uncomfortable having these conversations. Avoiding the subject will not stop young people from

having sex

or keep them safe.

Open communication also allows adults to raise issues about their own values.

Work on these principles

Many adults feel awkward or unsure when talking with young people about sex. Confidence comes with time and practice.

Try to work on these principles:

Start conversations early and keep talking as your child gets older.

Be the one they ask for advice.

Answer questions as simply and directly as possible.

Keep conversations casual.

Use cues around you.

Be ready to talk about diversity of gender and sexuality.

Find books, websites and other resources for ideas.

Start conversations early in childhood and keep talking

Children learn about relationships, sex and sexuality from the moment they are born. Very young children get messages from adults about their bodies. This includes:

words to describe their body parts and functions

concepts about public and private body parts and behaviours.

It is common for young children to be open and curious about their bodies and those of others. Try to use correct terminology for private body parts. This helps to reduce

anxiety

and shame. They will also gain confidence to ask questions and report to a trusted adult if something isn’t right.

As your child gets older, continue these conversations as opportunities arise. It is best to be proactive rather than reactive. Start talking about things like:

Puberty

before changes start happening for your child.

Healthy, respectful relationships

before your child is likely to see pornography.

Safer sex

practices before your child becomes sexually active.

If children receive age appropriate information early, it means less anxiety for everyone later. If conversations haven’t started as early as you might have liked, don’t panic – find an opportunity.

Research shows that young people who receive accurate, honest and comprehensive sex education are more likely to delay their first sexual experience and engage in safer sex practices.

Be the one they ask for advice on relationships, sex and sexuality

Be honest and approachable – encourage children to ask questions. If children understand that they will get an accurate answers, they are more likely to ask for advice at home.

Keep conversations casual about relationships, sex and sexuality

Talking about relationships, sex, and sexuality doesn’t have to be formal. Integrate these topics into any conversation, so it becomes a normal part of life.

Young people often want short, direct answers to their questions. They can ask more questions as they arise.

How to start conversations by using cues

Use news, current affairs, social media, advertising, song lyrics, books, television, and movies as cues to start a conversation.

You might also observe people around you or online to begin or continue your discussions. Young people may want to talk about diverse kinds of relationships and sexuality.

Don’t wait for your child to ask questions, be proactive and begin the conversation. Use open-ended questions like, ‘What do you think you would do in that situation?’.

Use books, websites and other resources to explain concepts

Start with picture books for young children to explain complicated ideas like

conception

and

pregnancy

. Older children may need help finding suitable, accurate resources.

If children search for these topics on their own as they may find misleading facts or pornography. Be approachable and offer to look for suitable information together.

You may also want to discuss who else they could talk to if they feel reluctant to come to you (such as a trusted adult friend or relative).

Preparing to talk to children about relationships, sex and sexuality

The first step is to plan your approach before talking to children and young people about relationships, sex and sexuality. You might like to try some of these suggestions:

Discuss the topic with your partner or other adults involved in your child’s parenting. Decide on a consistent approach.

Decide what values and messages you want to communicate. Children won’t always know about your morals, values and beliefs unless you tell them.

Be informed about relevant current affairs.

Remember, the aim is to be open and honest about the topic – tell them if you feel embarrassed.

Language around sexuality is changing. Be open to learning new words around identity, relationships and sexuality.

Accept your child could have different views to your own.

Suggested topics to talk about at different ages and stages

It is common for young people to have an interest in adult things like sex. Answer questions with honest information that is suitable for their age. If your child is asking questions, they are probably ready for answers.

Themes of consent, respect and help seeking are relevant to all ages.

Remember, start conversations early and keep talking. Revisit topics throughout childhood and adolescence.

Children (0-5 years) – suggested topics

Body autonomy – teaching them about rights and consent (e.g. they are the boss of their body and they get to say what goes).

Public body parts – learning they have the right to choose which parts of their body are public. This may depend on certain factors (such as preference, culture or religion).

Private body parts and appropriate behaviour – such as part no one has permission to see or touch (such as wearing bathers at the local swimming pool).

Giving accurate names for private body parts – (such as penis, scrotum, vulva, breasts, anus).

Gender.

Getting help from people they trust when they are scared, worried or feel unsafe.

Early/middle primary school – suggested topics

How babies are made

How babies are born

Diverse families

Middle/upper primary school – suggested topics

By the end of primary school, young people should have a good understanding of how bodies work and change. This includes knowledge about puberty and how babies are made. Don’t forget to discuss relevant changes in the opposite sex. The more accurate information children have, the less anxiety they will feel.

Talking to children and young people about relationships, sex and sexuality

Talking to children and young people about relationships, sex and sexuality

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