Parenting when you’re a foster carer

About foster care

As a foster carer, you are providing a safe and supportive home for a child or teenager who can’t live with their own family or kin. You are caring for the child for a period of time – anywhere from one night to many years, depending on the circumstances and your own preferences.

Your role as a foster carer is incredibly important and can be very rewarding – but it can also be particularly challenging.

Some people say being a foster carer is being more than a parent. You can also be a friend,

counsellor

, advocate and

social worker

for a child who needs help. You can make a real difference to a child’s life, but you may face challenges that affect you physically, emotionally and financially – as well as particular stressors that other parents don’t have to confront.

Victoria needs more foster carers, but becoming a foster carer is a major life decision. If you’re thinking about becoming a foster carer, it may help to understand the types of foster care arrangements available and the challenges and rewards you may face.

If you’re already a foster carer, this information may help you to better understand and cope with some of the challenges you’re facing, or to access support services.

Foster care in Victoria

In Victoria,

foster care

is temporary care of children up to 18 years of age by trained, assessed and accredited foster carers in a home setting.

Children in foster care can be vulnerable, often coming from abusive or neglectful circumstances.

Children and young people entering foster care may come from homes that are unhealthy or inadequate. They may be experiencing

family violence

sexual

or physical abuse, or emotional neglect. Sometimes the child’s parents are in jail or suffering from drug abuse issues, mental health issues or an intellectual disability.

A child in foster care may be any age from a baby to 17 years old, and come from any cultural, religious and socio-economic background.

Foster carers nominate the length and type of care they wish to provide, and the age and gender of the children they’d like to care for.

Foster carer placements are managed through foster care agencies who will support you as the carer to have a child or young person in your care. Carers are reimbursed a care allowance to assist with covering the day-to-day costs of providing foster care and you will have access to ongoing learning opportunities through the statewide learning and development program, Carer KaFÉ, as well as the agency you are accredited with.

The

Foster Care Association of

Victoria

External Link

is the peak body providing support, advocacy, and representation for all foster carers in Victoria.

The rewards and challenges of being a foster carer

There are both challenges and rewards in being a foster carer. The challenges fall mostly within 3 categories:

dealing with a child’s complex behaviours and needs and helping a child with

trauma

dealing with and being part of a complex

Child

Protection

External Link

system

maintaining contact with the child’s biological parents and other loved ones.

Foster carers say that the rewards far outweigh the challenges.

Rewards and benefits of being a foster carer

Aside from the personal rewards that are inherent to caring for a child or young person, there are some very specific rewards that come from providing a healing environment and building a trusting relationship with a child or young person recovering from trauma.

As a foster carer, you will become one of the most significant people in the young person’s life and be making a difference every day. Your decision-making and the way you parent will have an impact on that child’s future – which is both daunting, and immensely rewarding.

Dealing with complex behaviours and needs

One of the main issues for foster parents is managing challenging behaviour, which might be violent, antisocial or sexualised. Some common behavioural problems include:

Attachment disorder

– disruptions in relationships (with birth as well as foster parents) may result in children withdrawing from those around them. They may appear sad or listless, they may not smile, or they may not be interested in interactive games or toys.

Defying authority

– children may refuse to listen to their foster carer, or intentionally do the opposite of what they were asked.

Violence and aggression

– children may be violent toward birth or foster siblings. They may also behave violently towards friends, school mates, and other authority figures (such as teachers).

Crying and clinging

– children may become excessively clingy or upset if they have had many changes in caregivers.

Sexualised behaviours

– for example, use of inappropriate words or behaviours, sexual threats or violence.

Other anti-social behaviours

– such as stealing or hoarding food.

Read about

tools that can help you encourage good

behaviour

External Link

and deal with difficult behaviour positively and constructively.

You can also find tips to encourage good behaviour on the

Raising Children

Network

External Link

website.

Therapeutic parenting – helping a child with trauma

Most children come to foster care having experienced trauma, detachment, loss or

grief

. If you are parenting a traumatised child, the most effective approach is to

learn to parent

therapeutically

External Link

Therapeutic parenting is a form of parenting that gives a child high levels of structure and high levels of nurture. It is intentional parenting designed to create feelings of safety and connectedness in the child so that they can start to heal and attach.

Like any parenting style, you will need to adapt therapeutic parenting to suit your special circumstances, but generally this approach focuses on:

Safety

– both physical safety and ‘felt’ or perceived safety of the child and others in your family.

High structure/high nurture

– which every child needs, but particularly the traumatised child who may have difficulty trusting you and will need consistent boundaries held in place with lots of love and respect so they can learn to feel safe again.

Connected parenting

– in which you look past the child’s behaviour to what the child is trying to communicate. Being

playful, accepting, curious and

empathic

External Link

– staying attuned to your child – are all important tools.

Intentional parenting

– in which you have a purposeful parenting plan in place (knowing why you’re using specific parenting tools and strategies).

The long-term

– because healing may take a long time.

Self-care

– so you stay physically and mentally strong for as long as the child needs you.

Parenting when you’re a foster carer

Parenting when you’re a foster carer

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